Forehead Tittaes w/ Marion Cotillard

Oscar winner Marion Cotillard introduces a new product to help women be taken more seriously in the workplace.




Marion Cotillard (voiceover): In America, anything is possible.

The shot cuts to Marion Cotillard talking with Seth Morris.

Marion Cotillard (voiceover): It is the land of opportunity.

The shot cuts to closeup of Marion Cotillard smiling for the camera.

Marion Cotillard (voiceover): A place where dreams come true.

The shot cuts to Marion Cotillard walking down a hallway. A man passing by looks at her chest. She looks down at her own chest. The shot cuts to her standing with Seth Morris, looking down at her her own chest again. She looks up at Seth Morris who looks up from her chest. The shot cuts to Marion Cotillard in a meeting with William Fichtner, who is gesturing in a manner that indicates he is fixated on her breasts.

Marion Cotillard (voiceover): But women in America must still deal with sexual objectification wherever they go, especially in the workplace.

Marion Cotillard points to her face and can be seen mouthing the words – Look at my eyes. The shot cuts to a closeup of Marion Cotillard.

Marion Cotillard: French women have known for centuries. To make a man respect you, you must make him look you in the eyes.

The shot cuts to a pair of small, artificial breasts.

Marion Cotillard (voiceover): Introducing Forehead Tittaes, by Janae. France's best kept secret.

The text Forehead Tittaes By Janae appear beneath the artificial breasts. The shot cuts to Marion Cotillard who has the small, artificial breasts attached to her forehead, above her eyes. She puts a finger to her lips.

Marion Cotillard: Shhhh.

The shot cuts to Marion Cotillard walking down a hallway and passing a man who had stared at her chest previously. His stare is fixed on her head.

Marion Cotillard (voiceover): Lab tests prove that Forehead Tittaes actually redirect the male gaze from the chest to the general area of the brain.

The shot cuts to Marion Cotillard Standing with Seth Miller, who is also looking at her head, rather than her chest. The shot cuts to a closeup of Marion Cotillard and then to her in the office with William Fichtner. William Fichtner is gesturing in a manner that shows he is not fixated on her Forehead Tittaes, rather than her real breasts.

Marion Cotillard (voiceover): Forehead Tittaes' sleek, elegant design earns their respect without sacrificing your femininity.

The shot cuts to Marion Cotillard in a bathroom, attaching the Forehead Tittaes to her forehead.

Marion Cotillard (voiceover): Forehead Tittaes are safe, reusable and easily applied.

The shot cuts to Taraji P. Henson moving through hanging fabric. She is wearing a pair of Forehead Tittaes.

Taraji P. Henson: There's a Forehead Tittae for everyone.

Leslie Ann Warren moves into the shot and stands next to Taraji P. Henson. Leslie Ann Warren is also wearing a pair of Forehead Tittaes.

Leslie Ann Warren: Because respect never goes out of style.

The shot crossfades to Taraji P. Henson, Leslie Ann Warren and Marion Cotillard standing together.

Marion Cotillard: Forehead Tittaes, by Janae.

The shot cuts to several pairs of Forehead Tittaes. Marion Cotillard's face appears in the upper, right hand corner. The text – Forehead Tittaes by Janae appears beneath Marion Cotillard and the Forehead Tittaes.

Marion Cotillard: Make them almost look you in the eyes.

read more...

Heidi Montag Says No to Plastic

Recently re-sculpted reality television star Heidi Montag mocks her copious amounts of plastic surgery in a funny new video directed by Ron Howard. The video was created by Funny and Die in an effort to raise awareness about the need to create a consumer credit watchdog agency. See a plastic and funny Heidi after the jump.



Fred Armisen: I'm just tired of getting my butt kicked on both sides from this.

Maya Rudolph: It'll be alright. Are you smoking cigarettes in there?

Fred Armisen comes in from another room in a giant haze of smoke.

Fred Armisen: Nope. These banks and the credit card companies, they're ripping off the people with almost no regulations. I'm trying to make a consumer agency to protect the families...

Fred Armisen climbs into bed.

Fred Armisen: ...and the lobbyists and Senator Shelby act like I want to change the national anthem to I Got 99 Problems and a Bitch Ain't One.

Maya Rudolph: Go to bed sweetheart. Your heart will tell you what to do.

Fred Armisen: Okay.

Fred Armisen and Maya Rudolph turn off the lights and settle in to go to sleep.

Maya Rudolph: Come here, snugglebear.

The room begins to shake. A door becomes backlit and then opens to reveal Will Ferrell, as George W. Bush, and Darrell Hammond, as Dick Cheney.

Darrell Hammond: Boo. Boo. I'm the ghost of Dick Cheney.

Will Ferrell: Relax, it's just us.

Darrell Hammond: Man, that Michelle has got some legs on her.

Fred Armisen: How'd you two get in here?

Will Ferrell: The security code is still 1, 2, 3, 4 from when I was pres. Only took me five times to remember it.

Darrell Hammond: We heard you were tossing and turning over whether to push for federal regulations, so we're here to give you some advice.

The shot cuts to Will Ferrell who is waving a light around and making lightsaber noises.

Will Ferrell: Yeah, what he said.

Fred Armisen: You two are the ones who stripped out all the regulations. Why would I want advice from you?

Darrell Hammond: Dude, it was the 90's. People did all kinds of crazy things.

Will Ferrell: Yeah, I'm still waiting for a bunch of e-toys that never showed up. Besides, when I put the Iraq War on my credit card, I never dreamed I'd be paying 28% in interest rates. It's astronomical.

A toilet is heard flushing in the background. George H. W. Bush, portrayed by Dana Carvey, steps out of the bathroom with a toothbrush in hand.

Dana Carvey: Yeah, well, if you had listened to me, you would have raised taxes.

Will Ferrell: Yeah, and then I would have had one term.

Dana Carvey: Yeah, that second term of yours was a real victory lap, wasn't it dubbers? Now listen Borat.

Fred Armisen: It's Barack.

Dana Carvey: Sorry, but you gotta listen to these fellows Babar. What you gotta understand is that we got a regulatory issue here. We gotta regulate that or we're gonna get more bubbles. Gonna get bigger, larger, then pop, money goes to the weasels. Sometime you gotta do the right thing. You gotta take those approval rating there and screw em. Ratings. Screw em. Right? (to Will Ferrell)

Will Ferrell: I'm taking them to nasty town.

A door bursts open and Jimmy Carter, portrayed by Dan Aykroyd, storms in wearing jeans and a flannel shirt. He is carrying a toolbox that he drops on the floor.

Dan Aykroyd: Well I know a thing or two about doing what's right and being unpopular.

Will Ferrell: Oh great, if it isn't Mr. Let's Get the Party Started. What do you say we open up a bag of malaise potato chips.

Everyone laughs at the joke.

Dan Aykroyd: Mr. President, you have to establish the Consumer Finance Protection Agency. People are tired of being ripped off by credit card companies and banks. (begins fussing with an ornament on the wall) I never could get this right.

Ronald Reagan, played by Jim Carrey, enters the room with spotlights, balloons and applause.

Jim Carrey: There you go, again.

Dan Aykroyd: This can't be! You're dead. I saw them lower your coffin into the ground.

Jim Carrey: Well, I am dead, but I've come back as a spirit to help Mr. Reach Across the Aisles here (point to Fred Armisen) grow a pair.

Everyone laughs at the joke.

Jim Carrey: Now, listen up. You son of a Manahoney. I went up against Tip O'Neill with nothing but a psychic oracle and these pendulous balls.

The shot cuts to Jim Carrey's legs, which he shakes. Something is heard moving around in his pants.

Jim Carrey: But, I pushes through the competition. I clobbered everybody and I took down that wall. Now grab those eight balls and push the Consumer Protection Agency through.

Gerald Ford, portrayed by Chevy Chase, saunters into the room.

Chevy Chase: Betty, did you change the locks again?

Chevy Chase falls over a table. He looks up from the floor.

Chevy Chase: Live from New York...

Dana Carvey: This isn't live. This is funnyordie.com.

Chevy Chase gets up.

Chevy Chase: Well, the only way to stop these corrupt banks and credit card companies is to pardon Richard Nixon.

Dan Aykroyd: He means, you gotta get that Consumer Protection Act through Congress.

Chevy Chase: Jimmy Carter? You're dead.

Dan Aykroyd: No, Gerry. You're dead.

Chevy Chase: Oh.

Jim Carrey: Well, I'm dead, but I'm going to be a guest on Dancing With The Stars this season.

Fred Armisen: Okay.

Jim Carrey: I hope this little talk has helped.

Fred Armisen: So, what you're saying is that I should clean up this mess that you all created. Take on the banks and all their trillions of dollars. How is this helpful?

Jim Carrey: It's a bitch. It's a bitch, but, as George Washington once said to John Adams, tag you're it.

Jim Carrey taps Fred Armisen and then runs away. Everyone laughs at Fred Armisen. The the whole scene takes on a dreamlike quality as Fred Armisen lays down on the bed. The shot cuts to montage of Jim Carrey, Will Ferrell, Dana Carvey, Chevy Chase, Maya Rudolph, Dan Aykroyd and Darrel Hammond fading in and out, talking to Fred Armisen.

Jim Carrey: Grow some nuts for the Gipper.

Dana Carvey: It's gonna be hard or it's gonna be easy.

Dan Aykroyd: Nothing wrong with one turn Barack.

Will Ferrell: Just do me a solid and don't tell Cheney I was here.

Chevy Chase: Am I dead or alive?

Darrell Hammond: Can I be Ambassador to Cancun?

Fred Armisen wakes up in the dark bedroom and bolts up into a sitting position. Maya Rudolph sits up beside him.

Maya Rudolph: What is it, honey?

Fred Armisen: I'm gonna make a pot of coffee. Wake the Cabinet. I've got work to do.

Fred Armisen gets up out of bed and starts to walk away. He stops and looks back.

Fred Armisen: Oh, and honey...

Maya Rudolph: Nicorette's in the sock drawer.

Fred Armisen: Sweet.

read more...

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile

Lindsay Lohan is newly single and ready to mingle!



Lindsay Lohan: Hi. My name is Lindsay and I'm searching for love.

The eHarmony theme music can be heard in the background.

Lindsay Lohan: I'm recently single, (pause) I think, and I'm looking for someone who I can spend the rest of my life with. Or, at least the rest of my probation with. Ha ha. A little bit about me. I'm an actress, a singer, an entrepreneur and I single handedly kept ninety percent of all gossip websites in business. I would define my personality as, uh, creative. I'm a bit of night owl. I'm a workaholic, a shopaholic, and-

Lindsay Lohan drinks an unidentified liquid from a plastic bottle

Lindsay Lohan: -according to the state of California, an alcoholic, as well as a threat to all security guards if they work at hotels. And to put all those rumors to rest, I am not broke. I actually have over four hundred dollars in the bank and twenty thousand Marlboro Milds, which I'm very proud of.

Lindsay Lohan is seen texting.

Lindsay Lohan: I'm looking for a compatible mate who likes a night out on the town, as long as he or she is driving, of course. Likes ankle monitoring bracelets and doesn't have family members quick to issue restraining orders. The perfect mate loves long walks on the beach, car chases on the PCH, antiquing, and uh passing out in Cadillac Escalades. So, if you think you can handle a redhead with a little bit of sass-

Lindsay Lohan is seen playing with a football. She throws the football and the sound of glass breaking is heard.

Lindsay Lohan: -and by that I mean a redhead that's crazy. I mean, don't pretend like you don't know me. We've all read about it. We'll crash a few parties, a car or two, but at the end of the day, I promise you I never lose my Google hits, just my underwear. You can reach me at 612679 or-

Lindsay Lohan is seen reading an issue of US weekly with her picture on the cover.

Lindsay Lohan: -you can find me on the cover of US Weekly, because I'm so alone.

read more...

Rachel Bilson's Deleted Sex Scene

The folks at Funny or Die have uncovered a deleted sex scene starring Rachel Bilson...and it's disturbing, to say the least.

Bilson reportedly refused to appear in the near x-rated scene for the film Hearts of Palm. She tells the director she is uncomfortable “doing nudity.” The film’s director then decides he’ll “make it work” using a body double,” cutting it together tightly and elegantly. See if he succeeded.

Warning: It’s kind of disgusting.



McG: All right, clear the audience. This is an important scene.

The shot cuts to Rachel Bilson and Adam Scott waiting for McG.

McG: All right guys. It's the emotional crux of the picture, okay? Adam you take your shirt off.

Adam Scott immediately pulls off his shirt.

McG: There's a beat and then, Rachel, you take off yours. Then we simply do the love scene.

Adam Scott: I'm fucking psyched. I'm psyched. This is gonna be fucking awesome. I'm psyched.

Rachel Bilson (to McG): Can I talk to you alone, for a sec?

McG (to Adam Scott): Hold on a second, my man.

McG and Rachel Bilson walk away from Adam Scott.

Rachel Bilson: I've decided I'm not comfortable doing the nudity.

McG: What are you talking about? It's an art film. At every point, an actress does this.

Rachel Bilson: No.

McG: God dammit Bilson. I fucking hate your ass. All right, listen. I'm gonna make it work with a body double. All right? I'll cut it together tightly and elegantly.

Rachel Bilson: I'm going to ruin the scene.

McG: I'm going to cut it together very tastefully. All right?

Rachel Bilson: Okay.

McG: Let's go. Let's shoot. Everybody, here we go.

The shot cuts to Rachel Bilson and Adam Scott in a romantically lit room. Bruce Springsteen's song, Secret Garden, plays in the background.

Adam Scott: Well, I guess I should get going.

Rachel Bilson: You can't go back out there. It's pouring.

Adam Scott: Well, so what should I do?

Rachel Bilson: I don't want tonight to end.

Adam Scott takes his shirt off. Rachel Bilson unbuttons her shirt and pulls it open to reveal a hairy, male torso.

Adam Scott: You're incredible.

Adam Scott runs his hand down the hairy, male chest and stomach. The shot cuts to Rachel Bilson falling backward onto the bed. Adam Scott runs his fingers over the male chest again. The shot cuts to Rachel Bilson's face and she laughs.

Adam Scott: Does that tickle?

Rachel Bilson: Yeah.

Adam Scott: Good.

Adam Scott tickles the male stomach and pops a finger into and out of the belly button on the male stomach.

Adam Scott: Boop.

Rachel Bilson: Boop.

Adam Scott: Is that a little scar?

Rachel Bilson: I used to have a navel ring. Sometimes, it still hurts.

Adam Scott: I'm gonna make it feel better.

Adam Scott leans his head down and kisses the male stomach repeatedly. He then moves up and Rachel Bilson wraps her arms around him.

Rachel Bilson: You drive me crazy.

Rachel Bilson rolls them over so she is straddling Adam Scott.

Rachel Bilson: I want you.

Adam Scott: Take me.

Adam Scott reaches out and fondles the male torso.

Adam Scott: Oh yeah! Fuck!

The shot cuts to Rachel Bilson's face briefly and then she leans forward. The face that leans down is that of McG in a wig. McG kisses Adam Scott on the lips. She leans back and it's Rachel Bilson's face again.

Rachel Bilson: I'm going to go fast now.

The shot pans down to reveal the male torso rocking back and for.

Adam Scott: Jesus fucking Christ.

The shot pulls back to reveal the back of a nude, male body in a wig, rocking back and forth on Adam Scott.

Rachel Bilson (voiceover): Isn't this fantastic?

The shot pulls in to show Rachel Bilson's face again. The shot cuts to the next morning. Adam Scott is in bed, asleep. He comes to and finds himself alone. He looks around for Rachel Bilson. Rachel Bilson pops her head around a doorway.

Rachel Bilson: Morning.

Adam Scott: Hey you.

Rachel Bilson steps from around the corner. Her head has been digitally grafted onto a nude, male body.

Rachel Bilson: How do you like your eggs?

Adam Scott: Scrambled.

Adam Scott leans back in bed, with a self-satisfied smile on his lips. The shot cuts back to Rachel Bilson's head on a nude, male body and then cuts to black.

read more...

Long lost sex tape with Eva Longoria and Perry Hilton.

A sex tape featuring spicy ‘DH’ Latina, Eva Longoria, is on it’s way to the World Wide Web, according to Internet moles. Celebrity informants in possession of Eva’s steamy sex set with hubby Tony Parker are prepared to leak the tape after ‘verifying legal issues associated with it’ (sic). The Eva Longoria Sex Tape is currently available on pay per view adult film websites.



Eva Longoria: Perry, are you sure we should be doing this? I mean, what if it gets out? It could be really embarrassing.

Perry Hilton: Don’t worry baby, I’m gonna put it someplace safe, like the glove box of my car. You need a key to get in there.

There is a moment of static and then the shot cuts to Perry Hilton and Eva Longoria having a pillow fight and laughing. The shot cuts to Perry Hilton on the phone.

Perry Hilton: Hello, Hotel? This is Perry Hilton. Listen, if you hear yelling coming from my room, don’t worry. It’s the good kind.

The shot cuts to Perry Hilton and Eva Longoria pillow fighting again and yelling randomly. The shot then cuts to Perry Hilton and Eva Longoria sitting in bed eating.

Perry Hilton: I love turkey.

The shot cuts to Perry Hilton sitting on the bed while Eva Longoria jumps up and down.

Perry Hilton: Bounce. Bounce. Bounce. Bounce. Bounce. Bounce. Bounce.

The shot cuts to Perry Hilton and Eva Longoria sitting on the bed. Eva Longoria gets right up near the camera lens.

Eva Longoria: I look good in night vision.

Perry Hilton: You do look good in night vision.

The shot cuts to Perry Hilton giving Eva Longoria an Airplane ride with her suspended in air supported by his legs.

Perry Hilton: Be free! Arms out! You’re flying!

The shot cuts to Eva Longoria and Perry Hilton sitting in bed.

Eva Longoria: Alright, are you sure no one’s ever going to see this? Cause, one day I might want to marry a really cute basketball player or something like that.

There is a moment of static. The shot cuts to Eva Longoria sitting on Perry Hilton’s back, reading a magazine, while he does pushups on the bed.

Perry Hilton (at the top of a pushup): One hundred and eleven.

The shot cuts to Eva Longoria and Perry Hilton sitting in bed.

Perry Hilton: You’re a basketball player.

Eva Longoria (pokes Perry Hilton’s arm): No, you’re a basketball player.

Perry Hilton: No, you’re a basketball player.

Perry Hilton pushes Eva Longoria and she almost falls off the bed.

Perry Hilton: Eva Longoria?

There is a moment of static and then the shot cuts to Perry Hilton adjusting the camera while Eva Longoria climbs under the blankets.

Eva Longoria: I’m going back to bed. I have an audition tomorrow for something called Desperate Housewives.

Perry Hilton: That sounds like crap!

Eva Longoria and Perry Hilton both adjust themselves under the covers. Perry Hilton springs back up and speaks to the camera.

Perry Hilton: Life’s tasty.

read more...