Fred Armisen: I'm just tired of getting my butt kicked on both sides from this.
Maya Rudolph: It'll be alright. Are you smoking cigarettes in there?
Fred Armisen comes in from another room in a giant haze of smoke.
Fred Armisen: Nope. These banks and the credit card companies, they're ripping off the people with almost no regulations. I'm trying to make a consumer agency to protect the families...
Fred Armisen climbs into bed.
Fred Armisen: ...and the lobbyists and Senator Shelby act like I want to change the national anthem to I Got 99 Problems and a Bitch Ain't One.
Maya Rudolph: Go to bed sweetheart. Your heart will tell you what to do.
Fred Armisen: Okay.
Fred Armisen and Maya Rudolph turn off the lights and settle in to go to sleep.
Maya Rudolph: Come here, snugglebear.
The room begins to shake. A door becomes backlit and then opens to reveal Will Ferrell, as George W. Bush, and Darrell Hammond, as Dick Cheney.
Darrell Hammond: Boo. Boo. I'm the ghost of Dick Cheney.
Will Ferrell: Relax, it's just us.
Darrell Hammond: Man, that Michelle has got some legs on her.
Fred Armisen: How'd you two get in here?
Will Ferrell: The security code is still 1, 2, 3, 4 from when I was pres. Only took me five times to remember it.
Darrell Hammond: We heard you were tossing and turning over whether to push for federal regulations, so we're here to give you some advice.
The shot cuts to Will Ferrell who is waving a light around and making lightsaber noises.
Will Ferrell: Yeah, what he said.
Fred Armisen: You two are the ones who stripped out all the regulations. Why would I want advice from you?
Darrell Hammond: Dude, it was the 90's. People did all kinds of crazy things.
Will Ferrell: Yeah, I'm still waiting for a bunch of e-toys that never showed up. Besides, when I put the Iraq War on my credit card, I never dreamed I'd be paying 28% in interest rates. It's astronomical.
A toilet is heard flushing in the background. George H. W. Bush, portrayed by Dana Carvey, steps out of the bathroom with a toothbrush in hand.
Dana Carvey: Yeah, well, if you had listened to me, you would have raised taxes.
Will Ferrell: Yeah, and then I would have had one term.
Dana Carvey: Yeah, that second term of yours was a real victory lap, wasn't it dubbers? Now listen Borat.
Fred Armisen: It's Barack.
Dana Carvey: Sorry, but you gotta listen to these fellows Babar. What you gotta understand is that we got a regulatory issue here. We gotta regulate that or we're gonna get more bubbles. Gonna get bigger, larger, then pop, money goes to the weasels. Sometime you gotta do the right thing. You gotta take those approval rating there and screw em. Ratings. Screw em. Right? (to Will Ferrell)
Will Ferrell: I'm taking them to nasty town.
A door bursts open and Jimmy Carter, portrayed by Dan Aykroyd, storms in wearing jeans and a flannel shirt. He is carrying a toolbox that he drops on the floor.
Dan Aykroyd: Well I know a thing or two about doing what's right and being unpopular.
Will Ferrell: Oh great, if it isn't Mr. Let's Get the Party Started. What do you say we open up a bag of malaise potato chips.
Everyone laughs at the joke.
Dan Aykroyd: Mr. President, you have to establish the Consumer Finance Protection Agency. People are tired of being ripped off by credit card companies and banks. (begins fussing with an ornament on the wall) I never could get this right.
Ronald Reagan, played by Jim Carrey, enters the room with spotlights, balloons and applause.
Jim Carrey: There you go, again.
Dan Aykroyd: This can't be! You're dead. I saw them lower your coffin into the ground.
Jim Carrey: Well, I am dead, but I've come back as a spirit to help Mr. Reach Across the Aisles here (point to Fred Armisen) grow a pair.
Everyone laughs at the joke.
Jim Carrey: Now, listen up. You son of a Manahoney. I went up against Tip O'Neill with nothing but a psychic oracle and these pendulous balls.
The shot cuts to Jim Carrey's legs, which he shakes. Something is heard moving around in his pants.
Jim Carrey: But, I pushes through the competition. I clobbered everybody and I took down that wall. Now grab those eight balls and push the Consumer Protection Agency through.
Gerald Ford, portrayed by Chevy Chase, saunters into the room.
Chevy Chase: Betty, did you change the locks again?
Chevy Chase falls over a table. He looks up from the floor.
Chevy Chase: Live from New York...
Dana Carvey: This isn't live. This is funnyordie.com.
Chevy Chase gets up.
Chevy Chase: Well, the only way to stop these corrupt banks and credit card companies is to pardon Richard Nixon.
Dan Aykroyd: He means, you gotta get that Consumer Protection Act through Congress.
Chevy Chase: Jimmy Carter? You're dead.
Dan Aykroyd: No, Gerry. You're dead.
Chevy Chase: Oh.
Jim Carrey: Well, I'm dead, but I'm going to be a guest on Dancing With The Stars this season.
Fred Armisen: Okay.
Jim Carrey: I hope this little talk has helped.
Fred Armisen: So, what you're saying is that I should clean up this mess that you all created. Take on the banks and all their trillions of dollars. How is this helpful?
Jim Carrey: It's a bitch. It's a bitch, but, as George Washington once said to John Adams, tag you're it.
Jim Carrey taps Fred Armisen and then runs away. Everyone laughs at Fred Armisen. The the whole scene takes on a dreamlike quality as Fred Armisen lays down on the bed. The shot cuts to montage of Jim Carrey, Will Ferrell, Dana Carvey, Chevy Chase, Maya Rudolph, Dan Aykroyd and Darrel Hammond fading in and out, talking to Fred Armisen.
Jim Carrey: Grow some nuts for the Gipper.
Dana Carvey: It's gonna be hard or it's gonna be easy.
Dan Aykroyd: Nothing wrong with one turn Barack.
Will Ferrell: Just do me a solid and don't tell Cheney I was here.
Chevy Chase: Am I dead or alive?
Darrell Hammond: Can I be Ambassador to Cancun?
Fred Armisen wakes up in the dark bedroom and bolts up into a sitting position. Maya Rudolph sits up beside him.
Maya Rudolph: What is it, honey?
Fred Armisen: I'm gonna make a pot of coffee. Wake the Cabinet. I've got work to do.
Fred Armisen gets up out of bed and starts to walk away. He stops and looks back.
Fred Armisen: Oh, and honey...
Maya Rudolph: Nicorette's in the sock drawer.
Fred Armisen: Sweet.
